Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sucide is NOT the answer

I am not a doctor. I will never recommend any drugs for anyone to take. I am a survivor. I only give a survivors point of view and share my experiences. There is professional help out there. No matter where you live.

Dec 24, Christmas Eve almost 4 years ago. I got an email from my YouTube account. I will not repeat what it said but I tried everything in my power to help/stop this person and to my dismay was unsuccessful.

About a year ago. A cluster heads best friend emailed me. His friend took his own life. He himself even agreed he could never full respect nor understand the pain his friend went through until it was too late. Only then through research he realised how severe this disease is.

Another fellow i read about lately. The gun jammed and he lived. Only to realise after he is glad to be alive.

Myself. December 2009. I have written about this before. I had 21 hours sleep in 21 days. Some days with no sleep at all, going to work 3 days awake. As many as 18 attacks in 1 day. My body was shutting down from exhaustion. My employer told me if I wanted a day off I had to wait for my holidays. Life was no picnic.

I am a christian and at the time a single father. I really contemplated what was better for my son. A son without a dad or a son with a dad in pain all the time. What was more fair to him. Being a christian in our faith we believe we go to hell if we commit suicide. I figured I was living it so how worse could it be? In fact I was planning my funeral. I know my folks and son hate me telling this story bu its true and if anyone doesn't believe it. They are in serious denial.

I was not depressed. Not by any means. I saw no joy. No happiness in my long term future.

It was me getting away having some personal reflection time that made me realise I wanted to live, wanted to live life. I prayed hard. God told me not to. Obviously. My son...Oh my gosh. I thought of him staring  at my coffin at the funeral. It killed me inside. I chose to live.

Whatever your faith is. Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Buddha, Hindu, Spiritual or whatever. Ask from within. Pray. Look at your family and the damage it will cause. There is hope and light. Trust me, I am a testament to that. If you would have asked me in 2009 if I would be where I am today I would say that your a cracker jack and must be on cheap drugs.

I have married my best friend. I have the most amazing relationship with my son. I have travelled. From cars to stars I have lived a really cool past 5 years to say the very least. I am alive after 4 brain surgeries. I am forever glad i choose to live, chose to realise life is a gift despite the worlds most painful disease. And I choose life as a blessing not a curse.

I got rid of a job that caused me more attacks than I wanted. I did what I wanted to do. I got ride of fake friends that are so self absorbed that....(wait I have waisted enough head space on them-nuff said)
I have travelled. Did things I have always wanted to do. I am full filling my bucket list each day.

I truly believe there is no such word as can't. Failure only happens when we try. And I tell my son this everyday....whatever you do...make it count because it affects tomorrow forever.

I got shit lucky never having to rely on drugs and alcohol as I loathe both. I am very lucky I never fell into a trap of self medicating. And if that is what you are doing there is NA and AA everywhere!!!

Please, let my story be a testimony that you can live, you can enjoy life despite how royally crappy this disease is. When I chose to live I said this disease has robbed me of so much...But it can never take "The NOW". And this is how I the now.

I am not telling you to self medicate. I am not going to tell you what medication to take ever. I am telling you that if you are down the path of wanting to hurt yourself. There is help. DO NOT GIVE UP.

Another note, my hero Michael J. Fox wrote his first book and it really changed my life and way of thinking. I highly recommend it. I have read it 3x. Whenever I feel sorry for myself I read it and know I am not alone being sick. Yeah, it sucks the big one having an invisible disease that maybe 1% of the population actualy give a crap about let alone understand it, but this book helps you realise to be optomistic, move forward and live in the now, not the during.

I am listing some very helpful websites. If you need someone to talk to. If you are in a part of the world that is not listed. Google "Suicide Help" Find your area or call 911.  Get help immediately.
Its not worth it. Life is a blessing. If no one gives a shit about you. I DO. I CARE. If you feel this way. I am writing this blog today because of YOU. I am sending you a virtual huge today (((HUG)))
Talk to someone. You can not undue this. I care about you and know what your going through as many others do.

Blessings. Canada USA Europe Global

There is also many forums on line to get help from. Online forums,  info on the disease.

This site is an excellent one site that will direct you to what your looking for.

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