Ya know I thought I was sick having this disease. I have short term memory loss, fatigue, aging faster than most because of sleep deprivation. Bloating from medications, upset stomachs, and more. Just only naming a few side effects.
So last night was the straw that broke the camels back and why I am writing today about a negative subject. As I try immensely to be positive, share enlightening stories and continue to move forward but I have to speak this time. I write this with a clear conscious.
Its with deep regret and sadness I made a choice years ago to be friends with certain people. I don't know how many times I stuck up for them only to be used and discarded when I really got sick or have lack of income to no longer 'keep up with the Jones's" if you catch my drift.
Through their lives when they needed advice. I ran. When they needed free bee haircuts and I had 2 cents to my name I did it and never asked for a dime. I thought that's what friends do. I would have done anything for these people. I loved them as my own family. When they went through personal trials and tribulations in there personal lives I offered a friendly ear.A call, a text, an offer to visit. Whatever they would have asked for I would have gave the shirt off my back. When other people put them down, I stuck up for them. When others called them backstabbers, and insulted them. I went toe to toe to defend their name.
When time came for favours, request or common sense came to be returned....nothing. I will not do the he said she said because its pointless but rarely if anything got returned my way.
Brain surgery #2. The big one of the 4. Or one of them. I awoke after sedation...being somewhat comatose. My wife was crying....I'm like Ill be fine. She said not that...I said what then? She said this is your 2nd brain surgery. And where are your so called close buddies? I said just wait...maybe they are too much of cowards to come visit because I look like death warmed over. Perhaps they will text, email, send a get well card.
4 brain surgeries later. ZERO CONTACT. Only to be humiliated on a public forum because I moved home with my son being sick.
The shear audacity of being put down on a public forum to be insulted for my financial decisions some 15 years ago and then getting sick and having my parents welcome me home with my son because I am sick and went through a nasty divorce. How dare people talk like this on a public forum? And its not like I had surgery for tonsils. Brain Surgery where I had to sign a waiver kowing I could die. Brain surgery where they knew about it through mutual friends as I was open about my disease and surgery. I had also broken 4 bones in the course of 6 months but for bone breaking I didnt expect a get well. Apparently having a 3/4 inch hole drilled into my skull while I am awake is not enough to warrant a visit. Maybe if I died and my funeral? doubtfull.
I always said before you point the finger look in the mirror first. I have written and long acknowledged my faults. I know I am horrible with money. I was a jerk to my 1st wife. I know this and acknowledged it. But have dedicated my life to be the best dad to my son I could and will. I also have the worlds most painful disease and a son.
Needless to say it took a very long time for me to get over their lack of interest and never making any interest in seeing me only other than to brag about their personal possessions.
I wrote a blog about bitterness and resentment and god has show me to forgive. But it doesn't mean I have to go be there friends anymore either. Quick to forgive slow to anger the bible says. Tough some days.
Last night after I read what that person wrote I lost my composure, my cool, my ability to remain calm and think before I spoke because of a personal attack on my health and where I was at a point in my life. I got bitterly angry and responded with hatred and anger. I should have not responded and let the coward continue to be a POS lowlife. but I didn't. I responded hastily. What I may have wrote was 100% true but I shouldn't have stooped to his level. I actually feel sorry for both of them because they haven't a clue what a real friend is. Pathetic cowards. And lastly, do not comment on my religion or my faith because I got mad. What Christians can't get mad? Christians can't make mistakes, speak in anger or haste? Absolutely, 100% we do. Being a Christian is to be more god like. We are not perfect, no human is. I can speak for any christian that we are human and god gave us free will to make mistakes on out own. This blog is acknowledgement of my error in responding to this coward where I should have just let it go. I am human.
Despite what happened my wife and son stood behind me 100% as usual, knew full well it was a low life insulting comment and actions they have made and made me look in the mirror and acknowledge my anger was wrong. They agree justified but responding was wrong. I am ashamed to have gotten upset. I am ashamed to know that their lack of ability in being kind, sincere and considerate and picking on a person who is sick is pathetic but my response is just as bad.
So off to bed we go. 1245am ,the mother of all attacks came. Any Cluster Headache survivor will and attest to this but saying a KIP 12 is impossible because a KIP 10 is the highest. I think anything over a KIP 10(pain lever-10 being highest) is suicide,but I had one brutal nasty attack. I couldn't reach for my Imitrex injection. I couldn't reach for my Kleenex to blow my nose. I could only yell and scream at the top of my lungs waking up my family. My wife cried in absolute horror watching me. My son layed in the next room praying it to end and I cant even imagine how they must have felt watching me. It was so bad and so loud that neighbours wouldn't have been wrong to call the police thinking someone was dying in my house. I get these attacks all the time. I am chronic. They happen everyday of my life. Some days worse some days better. Even after the long and brutal attack my wife cried until she fell asleep wondering why it took so long. The sheer guilt she feels watching me helplessly. I couldn't even have enough strength to go to the next room to give my son a hug to tell him its going to be alright. Its almost 10am the next day and I feel like I worked 30 hours straight at a factory with no sleep. i am exhausted, wiped out. Sad and fatigued. I am also gravely hurt that people in my life would do this.
And this is what I woke up to.... an email sent to me on my YouTube account. read as follows....
This is not the first time I have received hate mail,comments to my videos. Some people are really sick. And I thought I was sick with a disease. I must preserve, acknoledge my faults and move forward. Similar to the serenity prayer.
God Bless to anyone on my shoes. I am sure there is many that can relate.